Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
This show inspires me to have sex in space
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
These tits shall not be calmed
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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