i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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