I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
