he told me I talked like a deaf person
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
