im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
