I think I won the penis lottery.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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