I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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