I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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