Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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