I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It's just like the Real World with babies
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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