He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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