Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
