Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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