she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
