so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
