Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
