I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
