my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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