it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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