i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
