i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
