If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
