also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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