people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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