11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
