I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
