I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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