Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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