I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
