So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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