we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I pour the whiskey from now on
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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