Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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