The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
