i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
