I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
