i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
