so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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