So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I feel like abortions should bother me more
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
