Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
