i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
