going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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