I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
