just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
