did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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