So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
