tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
two words...techno handjob
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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