Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
