Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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