i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
