she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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